Restlessness.

There's a feeling within that keeps me awake when my soul should be sleeping. There's a restlessness inside that doesn't let me be… and yet it keeps me alive, as it is in these aches and discomforts that I find my true inspirations and visions, my limits and edges, my purpose and ambitions… myself.

As my hand searches frantically for another hand to hold, my heart keeps beating in my chest with a quietness I am having trouble getting used to… It seems like there is a loneliness in being together that won't leave my being. 

Perhaps it is this wish of keeping my spirit constantly agitated by every little detail of this journey. Yearning to be surprised… by every simple thing, by every complicated story, by others and mostly by myself. Desiring to keep being in a state of wonder. Marveling more than being certain, questioning more than answering, bewildering more than explaining.

I keep longing for moments that never happened. For years that were never mine. For stories that were never really fulfilled. I keep longing for a past that didn't exist and a future that I don't want to guess.

To this energy you once called guilt, just to hurt me. To me it feels more like a constant and glowing pain. 

The schizophrenic agony of having or craving for... Daring to try or fearing the loss... Giving it all or eternally hiding... Honestly loving or honestly leaving.

A pain. 

Love maybe, as some call it.

You, as I learned to name it.



"But don't let it pass
Don't get locked in
Everything starts
Way from within.

Where nothing is compromised
Nothing is lost
When everything is realized
Nothing is crossed.

But don't let it pass."

                                       Junip