December 09, 2014

Love in times of war.

"You ruin it all with your anxiety", you once told me. I cried as the guilt came rushing through my veins, while the sorrow of your absence, of your avoidance, slowly darkened my soul.

You forget, my dear, it was you that cowardly hid behind your fears, quietly choosing to deliberately hurt me, to wilfully disown myself of your feelings. Your choice asphyxiates my hope and I have to kill the love that was making everything brighter.

In such a gloomy world, full of cynicism and hatred, loving became the sin, the mistake, the odd choice and yet, I can't stop loving the hopeful dreams that night brings and that no harsh daylight can make me forget.

I'll always regret the words I never told you... I'll regret being stopped by this overwhelming shame of feeling the way I do.
There's no right time to know what love is, there's no choice to be made rationally. Love is when it wants to be, when the soul touches this infinite, indescribable force that connects all that exists. 

I felt ashamed. And anxious. And now, so sad. 
I know it was not pertinent, not asked for, but nevertheless love exists within me, for you. It came to me as this brand new feeling, as different as it can be from any other love that ever was for me, but as powerful as I remember it from distant times.

I felt the need to apologize. Apologize to you, to myself, to the world. I had committed the ultimate crime and dared to let myself love the perfectly imperfect soul that you are. 
I am so very sorry, my dearest, for I get the sense I must apologize for love in these times when war seems to prevail.

I had to deceive my own self, trying to be convinced that you were no path, tricking you to believe my heart was not yours afteral
I had to mislead my feelings to stop me from whispering in your ear, "let me stay by your side", "let me in and I'll be yours forever". I would. How cliché. How cinematic.
I know you never wanted to hear it, I know how despicable this is these days, I know I had no right... and so I just hushed my heart and let shame swallow me in.

How sad.

I am sorry.

I am sorry I loved you so easily, with no reason or judgment.
I am sorry I dreamed so stupidly, with no restraint or logic.
I am sorry you became, so quickly, the home I keep trying to find. 
I am sorry, above all, I wasn't brave enough to ever tell you... you were all! 
I am sorry this will go to waste now.

Love should be no shame and yet, I have to hide.

"If you must wait
Wait for them here in my arms as I shake
If you must weep
Do it right here in my bed as I sleep
If you must mourn, my love
Mourn with the moon and the stars up above
If you must mourn
Don't do it alone.

You are all."

                                               Keaton Henson

December 03, 2014

On time and heartaches.

Oh let me tell you about this strange continuum in which life occurs in an apparently succession from past to future... let me tell you about this irreversible relativity that is time. 

The more you live, the less you have it, but the more you long for it. It seems to go faster as years go by and yet, at moments, when you most need it to speed up, it slows down like the unhurried pace of a lazy snail. The minutes take days to end and everything stops and thickens as you hurt. 

Time, they say it is of the essence, and I say, at times, it is of salvation. The salvation of a soul when it's breaking, of a heart when it's aching, of my heavy bones carrying a fainting body. 

Only time can heal, can lift the weakened spirit and save from sorrow. Only time. 
A waiting game sometimes. The patience of let it all fly by... the anger of the damage, the mourning, the sadness, the memories that won't ever be. 
Only time, in its infinite mercy, can lighten the burden of what will be the eternal longing of a lost love, a lost past, a lost present and a never existing future...
Only time accumulating can bury the acute pain of loss and make it less palpable, less strangling, not so overpowering. 

The scars will stay, the love, if real, won't go and yet it will all be bearable as time goes by. It will all be bearable. 
Stand by. Don't hurry the precious lifeline. Take a deep breath and know that it's a matter of time.

It is a matter of time, I say.
Heartaches don't last forever.

Oh let me tell you about these saving minutes, so many of them, that take forever to run by.

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.
No, I don't want to fall in love.

                                                                      Chris Isaak