One.

There's always a reason, I remember you telling me, for things to happen the way they do. 

As I look closely in my own eyes, starring at an otherwise empty mirror, it finally sinks in. 

I am now definitely, again, one. 

Whole. Unafraid. Comfortable, after seeing you depart, with the once terrifying idea of loss, of change, of loneliness. Serene with the certainty of the lingering emotions of lost love. 

I remain a vulnerable human being and yet, I know I might fall but my soul will remain standing. Tall. 

I live again, now, fully awake, fully aware. 

I live in the present and I know it won't always be paradise, but love may be to me, once more, not only a forgettable instant... 

Love will hurt and I may cry... but that is sometimes all that is. Life. 

I won't run and I won't bluff... I won't disguise myself as a wolf when I can't howl, nor a happy loner I don't want to become. 

I won't avoid love and I won't avoid pain, for not loving would be, in itself, the ultimate symbol of sorrow... a supreme ache.

I want to breath in each moment of every simple gesture, of every small word.

I want to give the due value to each detail. Admire the simplest things... The most mundane instants. Mindfully transforming the ordinary in extraordinary, in happy surprises of appreciation. 

It can’t be just because I am widely aware of my human imperfections and the risk I take of not finding someone who would understand my spirit, that I can let myself abandon or modify the ideals of true kindness, true compassion, true love. 

Just because it is not doable with faultlessness or certainty, I will not start fearing to reveal my weaknesses. 

I want to live every minute being, faithfully, myself, without the need of finding, within me, the switch that could shut it all down... that can shut my heart out. 

And there will come a day, maybe, when I'll whisper him to stay. Holding me tight, feeling every heartbeat of mine, he won't want to see me fall. 

And as one I will embrace, hopeful, that other one... 

"What do you say
Is this the time
For one more try
At a happy life?

So what do you say
Is it unwise
To think my fears
Will not reprise?"

                Lucius

If life was the movie playing in my head.

Let's stay in tonight. We will spend countless moments looking in each other's eyes until there's no words left unsaid and a new world is born to be found. We will know, as we kiss, that we can be hopeful to find something more powerful than fear. Our souls will live again, believe again, feel again and we will be acutely aware of all we've been taking for granted. Love will be true once more.

Come back to bed.

Would you please come back to bed, my love?

Let's make this moment our whole life.

Be close to me, my darling, as we keep feeling our love spreading across our worlds colliding.

Stay in bed with me just this once, my baby.

Let me be with your good arms around me, till there is no more time in this universe we share.

Stay and find all my loose ends, sweet love, as you search for my skin with the lights dimmed low.

Let's live forever under these sheets, my dearest.

Let's pretend there is no one else outside... no sin, no limit.

Just stay and break my heart, dear baby... break it gently, out of my chest, as you softly kiss my sorrowful lips.

Lay next to me on this lonely night, sweetheart.

Keep smiling, while you look at me with the only eyes that can appease my soul... The very same eyes who quietly unsettled it.

Come back to me for one more instant of heaven, baby and don't let love leave this room with your heart.

Would you please come back to bed, my love?

Just be here, by my side, and let me unfold you while it's all still real...

Let me wander into your scarred unknown to try and bring you home.

Keep your hand on mine, my love, keep our planets aligned...

I can only promise you that there's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

"Surround me with your love

Understand me I need you now
Surround me with your words
Understand me I need your love."

                   Per Arne Bertheussen

If life was the movie playing in my head.

Let's stay in tonight. We will have a drink or two, laugh at the words cautiously unspoken and smile while trying to capture every careful detail in each other's eyes. Our fears will be running maniacally inside our souls and we will dare them to stop us from being, just once more, as peaceful as we were tonight. 

If life was the movie playing in my head.

Let's go to Narnia tonight, you and I. Get lost in a world of freedom and beg for the stars to be kind, like a supplicant pleads for a miracle. We will find the grace we lost behind and there will be choirs to sing our newfound redemption.

Light.

"You were just in my dream", he texted her. 

Just this. 

No adjectives letting her guess any feeling behind it. No follow up. Nothing else.
Just this simple telegraphic message to let her know she had been with him that night.

She chose to take it gently, imagining him saying it with the smile that once was her happiness, whispering it sweetly to her ear. 

It made her peaceful to believe he could finally feel warmly about her… with a better sentiment than the hateful indifference that ruled their ways after he left. 

She felt the serenity that message had brought her, sprinting through her veins… she felt the rush of something new to her soul. 

She thought tenderly of him but her heart wouldn't skip no beat no more. 

She was almost crying as she realized she didn't love him. This was not love anymore. This was not love! 

She. Didn't. Love. Him. 

It struck her like lightning. How overwhelmingly new this was! How freeing. How beautiful.

It shook her ground just as much as when she found firing passion, for the first time, in his eyes. 

"Here we will lay apart, but here together will our hearts rest",  she sang it in her head as to remember old sorrows. She knew their time as one would always belong to a different lifetime now, an eternity she no longer shared with this world, a piece of history to just reminisce sweetly about.

She. Didn't. Love. Him.

And for the first time in the longest of times, she could frankly smile and be light. She could just calmly, softly, be. Light.



"The fastest bullet flying,So quick nobody ever feel no pain

'Cause the plains they took my baby
And i'm gonna take her to the funeral beds to lay.

I hate to say i love you,

But oh goddamn i love you,
You know i do
But you're gone away, gone away, gone away.

These great fields are stretching,
Taking me oh so far."

                                                    The Districts

Ellipses and superlatives.

“I feel so blessed and happy to be alive,” she said, as she continued with a blissful monologue filled with ellipses and superlatives. 

It could seem, on the surface, that after her endless harrowing journey, she had come out renewed on this other side.
Then again, maybe not. Actually, the uncharacteristically ebullient comments make me think that probably not. 

She was depressed for so long, with clouds always hanging over her head, that now with spring around, she has too much light, too much joy and she might just not know what to do with the contentment. She knows it is beautiful but there's no comfort in that happiness no more.

For too long she felt everything deeply even when living vicariously trough the lives of people that meant something to her. In recent years she found her heart exposed outside her chest making it difficult to mask all the scars and little holes in it. In the end she enjoyed making love to her demons, assuming a direct correlation between anguish and artistic value. She found herself nurturing her agony and grief.

"We could have saved each other and we will always belong to the ages", she kept whispering to herself, over and over again, with an hyper-romantic perspective that would make the average person flail and get lost in a swirl of fantasy and disappointment. But for her, these dreamer instincts seem to breed a specific sort of rigor. 

She had been captivated by the hyperbole of her own heartbreak. To her, love didn't die by itself. She would have never allowed it. Love had to die of illness and hurt, of blindness, of doubts and despair, until there were no more wishes left for shooting stars.

"Just like a dream 
Oh come, come back to me
And I'll still believe
If you stay baby, stay with me
Darling I beg, come back to me
Just like a dream."