June 03, 2013

Elegy to a love that never was.

I miss you dear friend, dear lover, dear enemy... 

I miss you drinking your beer next to me. 
I miss your wisdom, your advice, your certainty balancing my doubts, calming the storm of my anxiety and appeasing what's inside of me.

I miss your baklava and the sound you made chomping on sunflower seeds. 
I miss your strong arms around my body, your warm embrace and the space there wasn't between us...  Your words written in long letters that promised eternity to the feelings we shared.

I miss seeing you walking towards me. 
Your jig, your brown bag crossed over your body and your big smile, smiling at me.

I miss your hand in mine.
Walking together through the little park in front of the church. Our hands clasped so tight wishing to be assured that it was all real, tangible and possible. 

I miss going to the petshop with you. 
Pet the rabbits, awe at the tarantulas. Beg you for a cat, or ask you for a bearded dragon I could name myself. You never asked but I would have named him Falcor... Like the dragon in the never-ending story.
I do miss your pets. 

I miss lazy nights and quiet weekends. 
Gazing at the aquarium and reading in your couch. The brown sofa with the white and blue flowery cover. I miss that cover... And the pillow you loved with the hippo! Laying there with my feet up singing along to some random song on your ipod.

I miss late Sunday lunches in the balcony. 
Ommelete the way your mom got you used to like, with feta cheese and fresh tomatoes... I loved cooking it for you. 

I miss the sunsets lounging outside.
The glasses of margaritas sitting half empty in the tiled heavy table, while we talked of a future that never came to be.

I miss your eyes on me while I put on my make up... 
You sitting on the floor and looking at me with a dreamy gaze. What were you dreaming about? I always wondered and never asked.
I miss wondering about your thoughts. 

I miss the morning after the parties. 
Waking up before you and making strong, black coffee. The empty bottles of beer all throughout the house. You liked to try the small breweries and the bitter, the better.
I miss tasting that bitterness in your mouth. 

I miss the blue camping chairs outside.
The chairs where you would end our late nights, your hoodie on, all curled up, with the sun already rising and the last beer in your hand.
I used to hate those chairs, how can I miss them now?

I miss the sunny afternoons in the hammock. 
The dogs around us, licking our faces and making us laugh. Smiling wide and your eyes glimmering with happiness, really brown, really big, really beautiful. 
There was an aura of a beautiful story to come. It was all painted with those bright, hazy colors unique  to dreams and good memories. 

I miss the little china plates on the big bookshelf by the entrance. 
We found them with your mom in the big thrift store downtown... The one where we spent countless Sunday afternoons looking for hidden treasures before going to roam around the 2nd hand bookshop.

I miss your big brown eyes piercing my own. 
Staring deep into what I had wanted to carefully hide. Without a blink. Only your arms holding my body against yours and my name coming out of your lips, followed by an eager 'I love you'.

I miss your music. 
Sharing songs and lyrics with you... laying my head on your shoulder and listening to the music we loved. 
I will miss you forever in all the concerts we won't ever share. 

I miss finding love in each move of yours.
Going out with you, have fun, laugh and dance the night away... All my happiness in your laughter, your joy, your pleasure.
I haven't heard you laugh in so long now... Will I ever hear it again?

I miss your Mickey t-shirt and your jeans rolled up when you biked. 
I miss the beginning when it was all uneasy and uncertain.The excitment, the hope... even the fear. We were two explorers finding each other in ways that no words can explain. 
It was all to come. All ahead. 
Now it is all behind as we counted the days there were numbered for us to share. 
All of them.

I miss you dear friend, dear lover, dear enemy... I miss you but I don't want you no more. 
For you were never mine to have.

The park in front of the church still has a green lawn... but your hand is not on mine anymore.
The balcony is there, lonely now, without the camping chairs, the tiled table or us.
I still put on my make-up in front of the mirror but as I glance over my shoulder I can't see you sitting on the floor.
The china plates ended up shattered, in a thousand broken pieces, on the ground... and the bookshelf is now empty of everything… of you & I.
Your thoughts may belong to someone else and are not mine to wonder about no more.
You have your pets, your music, your beautiful eyes, but your life is no longer part of mine.
The memories got tainted and the dreams never came to be.
Now I am the 2nd hand book waiting for someone to find me on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
For love is only eternal while it lasts.

"Miss your teeth dug in my shoulder,
As we rolled in early morning, 
Miss your arm dying beneath me,
As I lay there simply yawning.

Please forget me, you were right dear,
I am cold and self-involved
And though I'll miss you, recent lover
I am weak and therefore fold."

                              Keaton Henson