November 08, 2013

About today.

Today I killed you.

Today I looked outside my window and saw your car swerve to the left on that fatal curve. It was cold outside and the sun was setting, painting the sky in bloody shades of red. There were so many sunsets we enjoyed together with those same vivid colors. Today, those shades were just an omen to the tragedy I staged within me. 

Today I killed you. 

My head, my mind, my spirit, they killed you. There was an awful and tragically deadly accident that left no hope. You were sadly taken from this life… young, talented, troubled, loved by so many… Loved, toxically, by me. 

I chose to kill you. Like in a story I build in my head… Like in the movies I see clearly developing in my mind.  I killed your story in this world, cut it short and mourned your loss with fat tears running down my cheeks. It was not the first time this salted water streamed down my face for you but it was, I had to trust, the last one… for today I killed you.  I could finally free my heart from the ifs and whys and let you go with no chance of return… You were dead, gone forever to the other side of this existence.

Today I killed you and I went to your funeral. The casket was open and you were lying there, handsome as ever and ironically smiling with those big lips I longed to love.  I held your lifeless hand and it felt as cold as the shoulder you had given me the last time we saw each other… I had to let go.

Finally, to me, there will be no more expectations or faith in a future version of you that will never come to reality.  There will be no more ill starred love. There will be no more drama. There will be nothing else but the one, condensed heartbreak of your passing away.

Please understand me and please forgive me but I had to kill you. Make you perpetually disappear. Make you eternally unavailable… to my eyes, to my hands, to my heart. 

We all need to fight to survive and today, so I could make it one more day, you had to be gone. 

I killed you and I was born again…today.

"Today you were far away
and I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
and I just watched you
What could I say.

How close am I to losing you."

Matthew Berninger, Aaron Dessner