If life was the movie playing in my head...

Let's stay in tonight... leave your songs where they belong, in your record player and our home. We'll exist in this moment like we were not forbidden ground. There will be gin. There will be love. 

I won't be a shoulder to cry on... I'll just be yours tonight. Just this once.

The song.

The song came while I was driving through the city that saved me from your shadow. It took me instantly back to death... to the moments when you were still haunting my instincts, driving me to this perfectly clear moment when I felt my soul part from its body.

The song came and my mouth could taste that preceding feeling, when the leaving hadn't yet arrived. I was whole, but knew already I would fear the world to come, for in it were previously written certainties no heart would ever wish for.

The song came and innocence vanished from me all over again, as this guy incessantly reminded me that "you just walked away"... I felt my bones crack in the cement once more and a pool of warm blood slowly blended with my own lost sense of possibility... the sweetness escaped my broken body as it ran from a foreshadowing darkness.

The song came and it was never a love song. Not then. Not now. It took me drifting out to sea and almost made me fall into this nauseating pain that spread to my core.

The song came and it left me, time and time again, with no shoulder to cry on. There was a right before, when you came running to my arms, conflicting with everything that existed right after, forever... a distant day of an eternal California spring that took you away, howling and biting down every last believing piece of my spirit... as if wolves had been raising you in the wilderness of my dreams.

The song came and it will keep coming, at the most disconcerting times, taking me endlessly to that moment when living made me die while still breathing.

The song came and regardless, while this uncertainty flocks and gathers at my feet, I'll cling to these torn limbs and I'll fly high, up above, where my useless legs won't be needed no more.



"Today you were far away

And I didn't ask you why
What could I say
I was far away
You just walked away
And I just watched you
What could I say."

Aaron Dessner, Matt Berninger

Together. Alone.

Everyday there's pain, pleasure and death in this process for existence.... a struggle bending up against the mountains whose true geology has to be more than fear, or they are but dust.

Everyday we leave pieces of ourselves behind, we lend them to the times we live, the people we meet, to never see them again.... and when all is lost, in the past that was your yesterday's future, there is no more survival.

Everyday I am someone who needs somewhere to long for... I am someone homesick of this stark land of an uncertain address... homeless of a country and homeless of a heart.

Everyday I grow increasingly unclear of all the certainties that kept me from losing it all before... that saved me from drowning... legs, arms and spirit tied to someone not fighting my wars.

Everyday your hands on my body resonate through me as if it was real...as if you were real... as if we actually existed in more than a parallel universe of dreams and romantic quotes.

Everyday you become more of what i ran away from, a sweet, sad, little pray that was never to become more than hope.

Everyday there's this anticipation that won't ever subside. I'm waiting to lean up against you in the water.... and though I can't swim, I'm trusting you'll take me back to my fortress now. 

Together. 

Alone.

If life was the movie playing in my head...

Let's stay in tonight... you and I, connected by more than this virtual line of (sur)reality. 
I'll cling to the dim and dying light and hold on to what's left inside of me. We'll lose ourselves in each other's tales and find ourselves in each other's whispers.

My soul will come to rest with the sun already rising... I'll want to lay my head on your shoulder after the wine has mellowed our words, after all the books are read, all the stories are old and the music goes silent.

As the fire tints the horizon, it is your light that will bring me to rest upon the rocks... 
If I stay here, beneath the shadow of every heartache, will you come to find me in time?

From gold.

There will come a day to be soft again.

To not let the universe make my sorrows run wild, nor let the pain allow hate to sink in… A day to not let bitterness steal the sweetness within.

There will come a day to take pride that, even though the rest of the world may disagree, I will just love life for what it is.

It's all but fading memories in the end.

Why would I want it to last forever in my soul? Smells to smell eternally, sounds, feelings and hopeful words to stay endlessly as ghosts? Why desire that the aching reminiscences of what is past, live now and forevermore?

Memory is meant to fade... to color.. to black... Love is forever, but memories are not. And that's called luck.

What keeps my head up when nobody's around is keeping my feet off the ground.

Though I have been quiet, completely silent if anything, there is a time and place to discover light and poetry. Kill a memory. Build a story. Miss a past and still keep smiling to this new face and this new desire, found as far away as you are.

Oh darling, dear, won't you take me by the hand, like in the words I read, and lead us all the way to the promise land? It's slightly askew but entertaining...draining, maybe, can you see?

It has got me wondering which is worse... the day I fell into his eyes or the day of the big surprise, when he fell out of the edge of this world.

But sweetheart hear me out, as I am certain of this one thing. There must be no middle to me.. opposites only, antonyms... truth and lies. Before and afters. Birth and sudden deaths. Friends and foes. The brightest love and the darkest hatred.

It's taking too many hours and too many days, baby and I just want to hold you... as if an end of a wait has begun.

Let me be elusive and i'll leave... peaceful and easy... I'll leave the dark shadows on the outskirts of an old soul, to follow a new light that is yet to be turned to dusk.

I said there were mountains in my way but they're slowly disappearing.

How wonderful is it, that I can feel you touch my skin?! And as much as I build thick walls around it or put my heart on rescue mode, it is all momentary and dissolving, so all I can do is throw my love into the sky... and see it fly. 

"I'll hold, so near and cold 

You've exhumed my love 

I'm sold, and our story will grow old 

But you'l make dust from gold 

And I'll know that your heart was once like mine, 

Watch the flaws unwind 

And i'll throw my love to the ground 

And i'll tear you out."

                                                      Ali Lacey

If life was the movies playing in my head...

Let's stay in tonight in a different world this time. I'll wait for you to come home, to kiss and hold you, to whisper in your ear everything I have been trying to shush. We'll make it ours just this once, silence the fight outside and we'll let happiness embrace our bodies. We'll exist in each other, fight for each other... I'll let you win my broken heart and you'll take it gently to this new life I daydream so much about. I won't feel your absence anymore and without a sound I'll bury my fears once and for all.

Twilight.

"You do me good", I always told you, feeling deep down how much that good was so wrong.

As I face, forcefully, the dictatorship of this fleeting time we were given, I can no longer avoid you, your energy, your presence and my love.

I haven't laughed this easily in a long time and I better stop now before I start crying... before I start cherishing what is not mine.

I know at this random moment again, with a feeling close to presumption (but that isn't more than a certainty coming from what is left of the good side of my soul), that I am what you need and you will keep being forever the only one for me...

I keep dreaming while I am all awake looking at you across a wire, crossing the distance of an ocean, trying to still feel the smell you left behind, hoping to find, this time peacefully, your hand resting in mine... And all these dreams keep this cut you made dripping and I don't thing my blood can thicken.

Time comes and it will go, sooner maybe than we expected, and all the while I can't forget the things we did.. and all the while I can't forget the things we never will.

As I sink in all that surrounds me, when I'm tired of being down and I got no fight, I feel you as strong as the world, steading these fatal tides, controlling the storm I fear and being the storm I dream.

I understand now, as much as we would build a house around this, or put a name to it, it will all be still temporary and softening and all I can really do... is love you.

You are good to me, you are a sight to see... You are wonderful and it is beautiful...  Know that I could make you smile, if only you would stay a while...

But you're somebody's baby now.

"Break my legs so I won't walk to you

Cut my tongue so I can't talk to you

Burn my skin so I can't feel you

Stab my eyes so I can't see...

Your love is killing me."

                                Sharon van Etten